Christmas...

Christmas is coming….  What does this represent for you, when suddenly you don’t have a large family around you anymore? 

I love Christmas, have always loved Christmas.  For me Christmas is the chaos of too many people under one roof (we squeezed 22 into a 4 bed house one year), the dog eating the turkey, grandma at the sherry, teenagers’ grumpy hormones turning to laughter at silly games and daft stocking presents.  Roaring fires, overly decorated trees and generally too much food and drink.

BANG – the first Christmas after my husband left was shockingly empty.  My children were very supportive of me and firmly declared they would be spending Christmas with me.  Just four of us, no cousins, grandparents, extra dogs, etc. 

We got a tree but having come from a large house with high ceilings into a tiny house with low ceilings, the tree seemed rather small and sad.  We had far too many decorations for such a small tree.  None of us could face culling the decorations, so lots were just put quietly back in the box.  It seemed to add to the general air of gloom.

Then we made the big mistake of drinking too much.  Hilarious to begin with, but then the cheating at Monopoly was too obvious and charades became a wobbly incoherent ramble. 

It felt so flat and un-fun, strange and quite simply just wrong.  I decided I hated Christmas and would never do it again!

The following year the children went to my ex – that was especially hard as we were in the throes of a particularly acrimonious divorce. 

I spent Christmas Eve with my father – something I had not done since I was 5 years old!  This was a bit of light bulb moment for me.  It was strange but I began to see that doing things differently was not bad or sad, just simply different.

I spent Christmas day with my oldest friend and his lovely wife and their various other family members (including his mum who was my mum’s oldest friend).  It was hilarious.  Totally different from any Christmas I had ever spent.  Fun, silly, strange, a little tinge of sadness, but in the main a really lovely day.  Yes, I missed my girls enormously and even when we spoke it felt sad, but it was actually a very happy day.

The following year, I had learned that trying to do the old style Christmas just wasn’t going to work.    The four of us joined some lovely friends instead and had a wonderful day.  We kept the tradition of everyone piling into my bed for stockings with the dogs and the general chaos.  This time we followed it with Church and then onto friends.  It was a totally different Christmas to all those before, but it was another turning point for me and made me realise that change is ok and can actually sometimes be really lovely.  I helped my friend with the cooking, and we all mucked in to lay tables, put up decorations, clear up, look after granny and the sherry (!), sing carols and Christmas songs and play daft games.  It was brilliant.

Since then, we have done different things every Christmas.  I still miss the old days with extended family but really look forward to each new Christmas now.  My girls are older but always want come home.  We still all pile into my bed for stockings but other than that the day now becomes whatever takes our fancy.  We have lots of fun and try something different each year.  This year we have friends coming to us as they are in the same situation. I don’t try and recreate the old days; we now find a new way of having fun and making different but very happy memories.

I hope you have a very Happy Christmas 

  1. Don’t feel you have to recreate the old traditions. Don’t be afraid to try new things.  This way there are no expectations.
  2. Phone friends if you are going to be alone.  Friends like to be helpful, we all like to feel needed.  They will look after you.
  3. Make sure you get out for a walk, however short.  Having a break from “doing Christmas” will re-charge the batteries and give you a little breathing space.
  4. Don’t drink too much!  It may feel like fun, but usually ends in disaster.  And don’t try and cheat at monopoly if you do have a few glasses!
  5. Try reaching out to others in similar positions; there are more of us out there than you are perhaps aware.
  6. Keep it simple.  The children will want to see you, not be wowed by decorations or over-complicated food and presents.
  7. Have fun!  It may not be the Christmas that you envisaged but if you allow yourself to enjoy the day you may just have fun and create new memories.
  8.  Be yourself.  Do not let others pressure you into doing things you don't want to do.  Self-preservation is an important part of the process.