Help for friends

Coffee and cake go a long way to helping a friend!

It is true that you learn who your real friends are in times of trouble. But what about those friends who haven't experienced the same challenges but still want to help? How can they best support you?

Whilst it is great to have a Divorce Coach, it is also important that you have a good support team.  Part of that team will hopefully be a trusted friend.  Something a friend suggested to me was writing a simple list of the best ways to help:

1.     Listen.  The story may be repeated often, but please keep listening.  Being able to talk to someone (even if repeating the same old stuff) is so important.  It makes the story teller feel validated and listened to.  It can often help them untangle the muddle of things going round their head.

2.     Keep inviting them out – even if they keep saying no.  Please give them time to adjust to their new way of life.  Inviting them out, even when they say no, keeps them going, lets them know there are people out there who would like to see them.  It may be frustrating for you that they say no, but eventually they will want to come out again and your support will be invaluable.

3.     If they have to move, help pack.  Might sound basic, but when you are overwhelmed by a situation simple tasks can seem daunting.  Helping pack up a room is an enormous gift to someone struggling. 

4.     Offer to help with partner-like things.  Day to day chores that perhaps the ex did, such as taking out the rubbish/recycling, baby-sitting whilst at doctor/dentist appointments, essential grocery items, etc.  All these things are going to be tough for someone who is used to having a partner around. 

 5.     Cook a meal – something that could go in a freezer.  Something easy – shepherd’s pie, fish pie, lasagne.  Healthy but easy to pop in an oven at the end of a long day.

6.     Be there after all has concluded – Just because the legal process may have ended and the final order has been granted doesn’t mean they don’t need a friend anymore.  This can often be the time they need you most.  Try not to cancel plans with them; you may be the only friend they are seeing that day/week.

7.     Accept their dating life – whatever it may look like!  And don’t try and set them up.  They will let you know when they are ready.

8.     Try not to speak badly about their ex – tempting at this may be, it doesn’t help in the long run.  Talking negatively about their ex will only make them revisit the bad times.  Thinking of positive things to replace talking about their ex is much more helpful.

9.     Research – help looking up which solicitor to use, which mediator, estate agent.  They may well be overwhelmed by it all and unable to think straight.  Simply looking up these things and giving them suggestions is so helpful.

10.  Ask what they need – they may not know to begin with, but once they trust that you are going to be there for them, no matter what, they may find it easier to ask you to do a small shop, dog sit, pick the children up from school etc.  Sometimes it takes a while to acknowledge where you need to help.